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Hurt/Discomfort - Entry 1: Why Weasels Can't Grow Up to Be Veterinarians

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A/N: To distract myself from the kink meme that ate my world ,(In a horrible but fun way.) I started writing a prompt-free fic. This way I won't feel as pressured to write it quick and keep it short. I've realized I NEED to write fics if I want to keep my sanity. Writing for profit can be fun too, but sometimes I just want to write for the hell of it and throw the rules out the window - just write and let it allll hang out XD. Maybe I'll finally start getting some work done instead of sitting around and thinking about what I'm going to write.

This particular fic was sort of unknowingly inspired by  mundo_fine who wrote a ridiculously awesome fic concerning a fempool and pregnancy. (I know, "Lol, whut?". But, seriously, if you were afraid to read it, go do so now. It's the stuff guilty pleasures are made of.) But, for whatever reason, it got me thinking about the dark corners of the fanfiction world.

And WHAM the hurt/comfort bug hit me.

Let me go ahead and say that a sadistic part of me has always been intrigued by hurt/comfort - "My favorite character bleeding and vulnerable, you say? Do go on". -  but the execution usually falls flat to me. There's usually too much angst, too much romantically unrealistic pain, and not enough... anything else. Plus, I don't have a comforting bone in my body... all right, maybe I have, like, three comforting bones - but that's it.

But enough rambling. I decided to try my own style of hurt/comfort on for size. And who is most fun to hurt in Cable and Deadpool? Duh, Bob.





Entry 1: Why Weasels Can't Grow Up to Be Veterinarians 



            It hurt worse than that time Allison stabbed him in the hand with the salad fork and called it an “accident”. It hurt worse than that time Terry and Howie had lied; the bunny they brought home was not at all friendly. It even hurt worse than those times Wade had shot him … all right, so it hurt about the same as those times Wade had shot him. It was probably because he’d been shot.  



             Admittedly, Bob didn’t actually remember getting shot.  He remembered agreeing to go on a nondescript mercenary job with Wade. It had taken them to some wildlife preserve – It’s a little known statistic that 38% of all wildlife preserves are fronts for evil organizations - This particular preserve was supposedly established to protect the rare and endangered… Bob wasn’t sure; some kind of miniature moose. It was sort of majestic. Except, their first night there one had snuck up on Wade, and his boss bludgeoned it to death with a tree limb - and, well, all sorts of animals are considerably less majestic when they're dead.



            There weren’t many memorable highlights after that – well, except the ambush, but Bob remembered even less of that.   


            “Hey, Bob. Is the plural of moose really ‘moose’?”


            “I think so.”


            “Huh. Is the plural of mongoose, ‘mongooses’.”


            “I think ‘mongeese’ is okay too.”’


            Famous last words.

            One minute they were surrounded and the next he was waking up somewhere dark and wet and unseasonably cold.


            After a short introduction to this new, unpleasant environment came the realization that he was without a shirt. The room was lit by the fluorescent green of glow sticks which allowed him to see his left shoulder. It had been bandaged, badly, with coarse material – from boxer shorts and undershirts, he realized when he found a faded Hanes tag in the folds. Not Wade’s. There were no goofy patterns or Deadpool logos. Wade had no need to carry first aid supplies and the costumes of both mercenaries and henchmen were usually designed to be easy-to-clean, so bodily fluids just slid right off. Materials like spandex and plastic made lousy tourniquets.


            Bob wondered how many henchman Wade had stripped to make bandages. He wondered how sanitary they were then wished he hadn’t. “I’m going to die here.”


            Wade was missing. There was no note, there were no supplies, no sign that he had done anything more than dump an unconscious Bob into a cave, stopped his bleeding, and left. Bob might have hated Wade at that moment had he not been so utterly terrified.


            “Mr. Wilson!” he called and immediately clapped a gloved hand over his mouth. What if more people with guns were out there… or moose? He had heard once that moose were incredibly violent animals. Bob had never fought a Shetland show moose. He had no desire to try. “Mr. Wilson?” he whispered through his fingers. “Mr. Wilson, are you here?”


            “Mr. Wilson isn’t available at the moment. May I take a message?”


            Bob looked around, startled. The voice sounded familiar, but he couldn’t see anyone. “Who’s there?” he asked, reminding himself that he always made a specific point not to believe in ghosts at times like these. He couldn’t handle the thought of men with guns, moose, and ghosts; he just couldn’t.


            “Who do you think?” the voice asked, to which Bob could only shake his head and mouth an apologetic, ‘I don’t know’. “Down here, you idiot. Down on your left- no, not the rock! To the right of the rock. Yes. Here. Hi.”


            Bob found himself looking down at a small, handheld device that he guessed was some sort of high-tech phone. The monitor display glowed dull green in the light of the glow sticks and on it, a rather scrawny-looking man with dark hair and glasses was standing at a kitchen counter. “Weasel?”


            “Yep. Wade went out a few hours ago. I’ll be your babysitter for the evening.” On the monitor, Weasel yawned over a mug of coffee. “You’d be back by now except, as it turns out, the teleporter was a one way deal. They have some pretty impressive security measures set up over there; adaptive ones. Whatever they’re using, it’s blocking you from using the same route twice. You’ll have to find a way out that doesn’t involve teleporting… except, you went with Wade, so I’m guessing there was only ever the one plan.”


            “What plan?”


            “Exactly.” Weasel folded his arms over the counter. He yawned again, this time into the sleeve of his robe. “So how are you feeling?”


            Bob was confused. He was often confused. It was a defense mechanism. Being confused was much better than panicking. “Like I got shot?”


            “Well, that’s good, I guess. It’s consistent with what Wade said about you getting shot. That’s probably not a bad sign.”




            Weasel shrugged and took another sip of his coffee. “Well, the wound isn’t fatal-”


            That was no surprise. Bob had been shot plenty of times. Heck, he’d been voted Most Flammable in Hydra basic training – wait, that had nothing to do with this. Maybe he’d lost more blood than he thought. “Well, that’s good,” he said, regarding the wound being non-fatal; not ‘Well, that’s good” in regard to blood loss or his perpetuated lack of flame retardancy.


            “-unless it becomes infected.”




            “But I discussed that with Wade-”


            “Oh, well in that case-”


            “- and he left you in a cave.”




            “And I’d say that being somewhere damp and unsanitary is a little counterproductive to your ‘non-fatal’ wound goal.” Weasel drained his coffee and set the mug aside. He was being very blasé about a situation that was quickly turning Bob’s initial confusion into panic.


            Bob closed his eyes and took a deep breath to clear his head. There was no need to panic. “I am Switzerland… I am Switzerland.” Weasel interrupted with a puzzled, “What?” but Bob ignored him. He needed to think. What did the Hydra Handbook say about getting shot? “I am Switzerland…” Chapter 18, Page 342


Don’t get shot.


“I don’t want to die!” Bob wailed, making a move for the handheld that his shoulder disagreed with. He fell to the cave floor with a miserable groan; hand under his awkwardly positioned shoulder, cheek separated from the cold floor only by the Hydra mask as he watched Weasel roll his eyes on-screen. “You have to- I mean what if you call-”


“Agency X is willing to help out.” Weasel frowned down at his wristwatch while he talked. Hayden said he could call in some favors, but there’s no fool proof way to get in and out that doesn’t involve busting through the front gates – and that’ll require some major artillery.”


“So… a few days.” Bob gripped his injured shoulder and rolled onto his back. His panic had given way to extreme pessimism. “I’ll be dead by then.”


            “Don’t say that,” Weasel admonished, accompanied by what sounded like a fridge door opening. Bob wasn’t watching the screen anymore. “In a few days, you’ll have developed sepsis. Hayden can’t have anyone there for, at least, a week. By then you’ll be dead.”


            The panic was coming back a little. Bob whimpered and threw his good arm over his eyes. “This isn’t happening.”


            “But, hey, that’s if you get an infection, right?” Weasel asked, supplying just the sort of unlikely, desperate hope that Bob could latch onto. He uncovered his eyes slightly, glancing over as Weasel continued. “It’s not like I’m a doctor or anything. The infection might not get that bad. And, hey, for all I know, Wade’s on his way back right now. He’ll patch you right up. No infection.”


            “You really think Mr. Wilson will be back soon?”


            “How would I know?” Weasel paused, regarding Bob over a carton of Chinese take-out for a few moments. “Have you ever seen the English Patient?”


            “No. Why? Does he get better?”


            “That’s not exactly the character I was- Yeah, sure Bob, the english patient gets better.”



A/N: I have mad love for Bob, really I do. My sense of humor is just like black hole dark. I'm sorry. Hopefully, this wasn't terrible. I'm looking forward to writing more, but the things that are the most fun for me to write are the things other people usually hate to read.  >.>;; Oooh, dear.

Edit: No one ever go to my journal page, please. It's a horrible, scary place where I fail miserably at LJ cuts and cry bitter tears over my inability to use this site properly.


Edit, Edit: $%^&!!!  All right, the Word program to LJ process has not been kind. I've been at this for an hour. I'm going to give up before I screw things up more.
Current Location:
the garage - I just killed a GIANT fucking spider
Current Mood:
embarrassed embarrassed
Current Music:
Passive - A Perfect Circle
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[User Picture]
On June 30th, 2009 09:07 am (UTC), space_fight commented:
I adore how you've written Weasel. Justsoyouknow.

Also, Wade bludgeoning a moose to death shouldn't be so freaking lawllercaust. D:
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On June 30th, 2009 04:13 pm (UTC), wilde_shade replied:
Aw, thanks. I love Weasel. On the flip-side, I'm not sure I like moose so much.
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[User Picture]
On June 30th, 2009 12:10 pm (UTC), seiberwing commented:
For some reason Word will display quotation marks when pasted into LJ, but they won't be any good in HTML. So you have to do those on the entry page itself.

RE fic: Awesome and adorable.
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On June 30th, 2009 04:19 pm (UTC), wilde_shade replied:
Thanks - I was having bigger problems with the spacing and size, though. For some reason LJ would skip a dozen lines and continue what I'd pasted in a different font and size. It was baffling... and really, really annoying.
[User Picture]
On June 30th, 2009 06:06 pm (UTC), seiberwing replied:
Are you using regular mode or rich text? Rich text does weird shit.
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On June 30th, 2009 07:13 pm (UTC), wilde_shade replied:
It shouldn't have been rich text. I'm going to hope it was just a one time, whatever can go wrong, will go wrong thing and not some bigger problem with Word.
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On June 30th, 2009 01:27 pm (UTC), livtheobsession commented:
"he’d been voted Most Flammable in Hydra basic training"

Guh. I love Bob so friggin' much! <3
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On June 30th, 2009 04:23 pm (UTC), wilde_shade replied:
Everybody loves Bob, and if they don't... they should. Supposedly, he's supposed to come back into the main Deadpool series soon. Granted, he probably won't do that much, but I'm still getting my hopes up.
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On July 1st, 2009 02:08 am (UTC), violetjimjams replied:
He's way too pathetic to not include.

...I'm so glad Wade didn't really kill him. T-T
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(Deleted comment)
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On June 30th, 2009 04:35 pm (UTC), wilde_shade replied:
There will be less moose abuse in further chapters, I promise.

The sad thing is, I was thinking very logically about what Wade could have used for bandages when my mind arrived at underwear. It troubles me a little that I was once a freaking Girl Scout with a first aid badge and THAT was the first conclusion I arrived at.

But, in my defense, we weren't shot at often.
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On June 30th, 2009 04:03 pm (UTC), inlaterdays commented:
This is great!

“What plan?”


The world needs more Bob, Wade, and Weasel.
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On June 30th, 2009 04:37 pm (UTC), wilde_shade replied:
I'm glad you're enjoying it! And I agree. There's a strange absence of those three together for whatever reason.
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On June 30th, 2009 05:48 pm (UTC), violetjimjams commented:
Oh, Boooooob! Why is he so cute? I seriously want to huggle him any time I read him. *huggles to Bob* Not a big fan of seeing Wade get hurt (maybe because it takes so much to hurt him and that makes me squirm unpleasantly?), but I'm not having that problem with Bob.

That's seriously twisted.

I also seriously need a Bob icon or 3.
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On June 30th, 2009 07:24 pm (UTC), wilde_shade replied:
It's because he's Bob. There's no explaining it. It doesn't mean we're not horrible people or anything... It's just that he's so much damn fun to watch when he's miserable.
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On June 30th, 2009 07:27 pm (UTC), violetjimjams replied:
It's true. It's terrible and it's true.
(Deleted comment)
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On June 30th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC), violetjimjams replied:
I am stealing the hell out of those last 2. Just because they have the most ADORABLE Bobs. The Bobs I want to hug. HUG SO MUCH! @_@

At least Wade gets to hug Bob.

Edited at 2009-06-30 08:30 pm (UTC)
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On July 13th, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC), oneeye66 commented:
Thank you so much.
Not only did you write a lovely story, but you reassured me that I'm not the only person who fails at using LJ.
It is a great day.
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